


A Lonely Love

by hernamewasalice



Series: Fluff + Angst [9]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Established Relationship, Ex Lovers, F/M, Former Lovers - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Modern Era, Older Man/Younger Woman, Secret Relationship, Slice of Life, Unplanned Pregnancy, former relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:21:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25428352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernamewasalice/pseuds/hernamewasalice
Summary: It was so lonely, the type of love you have with the mother of your child. You're unable to fully love and fully be there but you still won't change a thing. Because with her, it's the first time you've been in love.Kylo attempts to reconnect with his former lover and be a part of their child's life.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Fluff + Angst [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622881
Comments: 40
Kudos: 93





	1. The Mother of Your Child

_You see the mother of your child._

_She's sitting there, right before you. Just there. Right there. You haven't been in the same room with her for nearly a year. She's only a few feet away. You want to go to her but you can't. You know you can't. You weren't suppose to go to her in the first place_.

Kylo tells himself this as he wrote his name on the white board. "Hello Juniors, welcome to AP US History," he greets the class.

Her eyes flickered.

His skin tightened at the intensity of her gentle gaze. There's no animosity in her face, only indifference. Somehow it was worse than a scorn. She was looking at him as if he never existed. It takes him back to two years ago, to her Freshman year. Where they first met. She was his student and he was her World History honors teacher. They were even in the same room. She's done her best to avoid him after that night and now there was nowhere for her to run.

Kylo clears his throat and proceeds on. "I see a lot of familiar faces from my Freshman class. I know it's going to be a good year."

_You see the mother of your child look away then in remorse._

_And it leaves you feeling hallow. It was so lonely, the type of love you have with the mother of your child. You're unable to fully love and fully be there but you still won't change a thing. Because with her, it's the first time you've been in love._

* * *

_You know you can't force her to do anything._

_The mother of your child is a free spirit. Self righteous. Stubborn._

_Not even a position of power makes her falter. But it doesn't stop you from abusing your authority. This was nothing new. You've always abused your power with her. Just her. Only her._

Kylo is done with giving her space. He discretely knocks her textbook on the floor and slips the note inside as he lectured. He watches her from the corner of his eye open the slip and sees her go pale as she sank into her chair. He held his breath, hoping she will for once listen. His calm façade remained but every time he was in her direction, his mouth twitches.

He can't remember the last time he saw her smiled.

His mind takes him back to that day they unknowingly conceived their child.

* * *

Kylo doesn't know anything about his child. He doesn't even know what gender his child was, let alone his child's name. Rey kept everything a secret about their child to him. The only thing he knows is that their child was born sometime in the summer.

The mother of his child doesn't want him to be in their child's life.

She hates him for what happened that night.

The bell rings. The students gather their things to prepare to go home. He watches her crumple up the paper and throw it in the trash. Kylo counts the seconds until the classroom was empty before throwing his things on the floor. He hates this, feeling powerless. But there was nothing he could do. He couldn't be there for her or his life will be over. He couldn't even be there in secret for she despises him.

She doesn't even want to talk to him.

* * *

_What do you do when the mother of your child refuses to speak to you?_

_What can you do when she's blocked you on her phone?_

Kylo doesn't know but he keeps slipping notes in her book and bag. He knows that this was borderline harassment but he doesn't care. He wants to see her beyond class. He wants to speak to her and know about their child. That night, he should have told Rey he loved her.

Seeing her agitated and frustrated over each note brings a little joy in him. She's so closed off with him and it was nice seeing an emotion. A long time ago, she used to be closed to off to everyone but him. Kylo misses those days.

She's huffing to herself, stuffing the note in her bag.

He knows she won't report him. She never did when he impregnated her. Rey could have. She had every right to but she didn't. Kylo knows that deep down she still has feelings for him. He doubt she would say anything as insignificant as notes.

* * *

Her body is different. She's thin again but not as bony as she used to be. It's only a few months that she gave birth, it'll take time for her body to go back. She has bigger breasts and hips - she must be breastfeeding their child. The revelation makes him sad to know that most of her free time at school is designated to pump her milk in the nurse's office. Kylo doesn't know when or how he's suppose to talk to her.

Rey's parent is strict. She's not allowed to go out as much. After school she has to go straight home. It's a miracle that Kylo and Rey were able to conceive a baby. She found ways though with little white lies about extracurricular activities. It's more difficult now with the baby.

Kylo doesn't even know her living situation. He's not sure if she's still living at home or with someone else. He knows nothing about her anymore but he used to.

He used to know everything about her.

* * *

Kylo hasn't been able to have a full night's rest ever since he discovered she was pregnant. Even to this day he's unable to sleep. All he could think about was her and his child. He stays up late wondering how his child looks like. Does his child look more like him or her? Or perhaps a mix? It hasn't settled yet that he was a father.

Seeing his child would make the truth real. Tangible.

But Rey doesn't want to him to see their child.

Kylo has a right to see his child. Even though he didn't carry their child, he helped created their child. He'll learn more about his child soon enough. News travel fast in school and it's only the first week. That was how he discovered Rey was pregnant. He'll find out soon enough, whether she wants him to or not.

* * *

He can be aggressive.

Violent.

Quick tempered.

But never with her. Kylo locks the classroom door, locking them inside. Just them. He's grateful that the class he has with her is the last period. He doesn't have to worry about time. She's standing there with her backpack and all. He guards the door and shakes his head. She can't go anywhere. He won't let her. He's tired being nice.

She scowls at him.

He remained unhinged, transfixed by her pretty face and petite frame. He can get lost in her hazel eyes and he does. He always was drawn to her, should have known this girl would be his downfall.

"I need to go home Mr. Ren," she said quietly.

"Rey," he said firmly. He stood there, looking at every inch of her. It's been a while that he was this close to her. He wanted to memorize her and all the new changes to her body. She doesn't look as lively as she used to - giving birth can do that. She looks worn out. Most likely from the lonely nights taking care of their baby. Her hair was more shiny and silky, resembles more golden brown than chestnut now. She had more curves and her collarbone wasn't as prominent. She was still the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

"I need to go home," she said again.

"Talk to me."

She doesn't say a word.

Kylo cursed underneath his breath. She's such a stubborn girl. He's certain that even if she never got pregnant that they wouldn't last long. She was very young and so much ahead of her while he liked things a certain way. But they have a baby...and yet they aren't together. His heart skips a beat. They're never meant to be together. In any scenario. It leaves him feeling empty. He doesn't want to believe it. "Don't shut me out, please," he lowered his voice.

She doesn't answer. Her silence was more painful than anything. He rather have her yell at him than for her to stay silent. He misses hearing her voice. He misses having intimate conversations with her.

"I've been patient with you, Rey. More than patient. I gave you space -

"It wasn't like you had a choice, the truth is you can't be there," she swallowed hard. "Even if you wanted to be there, you can't. So stop making me the villain."

He winced. They were just words but they hit like shards of glass. Seeping into his skin for him to always remember. "I wanted to be there," his voice broke out. He takes a step closer to the mother of his child. She takes a step back. "I wanted to go with you to all your appointments. I wanted to be the one to comfort you when you got sick. Get you whatever food you craved. I wanted to be there in the hospital. I wanted to be there for everything. I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

"Why are you telling me these things?" her mouth twitched. He frowned. She's trying desperately not to cry, he can see it. Her eyes were glassy, lips quivering. "It's already done. The baby's already here and healthy. You don't have to worry about it. It's not your problem anymore."

He paused. There was something unsettling with how she said that. Did she give away their baby? No. No, she wouldn't. She was so certain about keeping their child. "The baby is just as much as mine as the baby is yours. I'm the father of the baby and I'm always going to be. You can't change that. You can't pretend that I'm not the baby's father. You can't erase me, I'm always going to be a part of your life. I want to be there for you and the baby, please just let me in."

"Having you in the baby's life is going to be much harder than you being not a part of it."

"I know," he exhaled. It was much easier sneaking around when it was just the two of them but it's not anymore. They have a baby and they couldn't exactly bring the baby to school. He couldn't exactly go and see her whenever he wanted. "I know. But we'll be happier together." His eyes lowered to her mouth. He can't remember the last time he kissed her. Kylo wants to but he's not sure if she does. "I still want to be with you and I know you do too."

"What are you doing?" she asked in panic as he approached her. She's trembling as he moved towards her. She's forgotten how tall he was. "Don't," she warned. His arms are open but she doesn't take them.

"I want to hold you."

The mother of his child shakes her head. "No I don't want you to."

She's lying, he know she is. "Rey."

Something in the way he said her voice causes her to break. She tried to wipe the tears but he's already doing that for her. Before she can register what was going on, he bends down to press a soft kiss on her mouth. At this point Kylo doesn't care anymore. He already abused his authority with her. What he's done to her is still seen as rape. "If I'm going to prison for statuary rape, I want to have one last kiss."

Rey blinked. It was a small, feeble kiss - as if it could erase the lonely nights she endured. Nothing could ever make up for being unable to be there for her. Or witness the birth of his child that he knows nothing about. Rey shifts back, pushing him away. "You're not going to prison - I won't let that happen," her voice broke again. The idea of him being caught terrifies her. She was at much at fault as he was. "We're already lucky no one found out. Its better for you not be involved to keep it that way."

"I'm a grown man, Rey. I don't need you to protect me. I need to be the one to take care of you and our child. Please Rey, just let me."

"How can we be together? You can't exactly skip work to see me on weekdays. And weekends I'm busy working."

"I don't know," Kylo admitted, swallowing the lump in his throat. He's spent nights awake thinking about it and yet couldn't find an answer. It's going to be difficult smuggling a baby from point a to point b. "But I rather try than to do nothing at all."

"You can get in trouble," she whispered. "I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I don't care."

"But I do."


	2. The Father of Your Child

_The man who fathered your child is standing there, at arms length. Close and yet so far apart. He's looking at you and you know what he's staring at. He's fixated on your mouth. He wants to kiss you and maybe deep down, a part of you wants him to._

_Admit it to yourself that you want it. You're trying to deny it even though your heart was pounding out of your chest._

_He's touched you before and each time you thoroughly enjoyed._

Rey stood there motionless, blinking several times as he inched a step forward towards her. She's forgotten how tall he was - how defined his muscles were even with layers of clothing - how much of a man he was. She didn't get pregnant by a boy. She got impregnated by a man. Even though she had a lonely pregnancy, she doesn't hate him. She knows the type of person he was. He was a good man and she was drawn to that.

She feels her cheeks becoming flushed. He still looks at her the same way as before. He wants her and she can tell by how intense his stare was, he will always want her. Even when she was stick then. Even when she had a full belly and unable to walk. Unconsciously, she pressed her thighs together. She wants him there, in between her legs.

_The father of your child calls out your name and you respond. You always do._

"I bought a few things for the baby," he tells her.

Her eyes flickered. "You did?" she asked slowly. Rey couldn't help but to be surprised.

The father of her child nodded. "If there's ever an opportunity I can meet our child I want to be prepared. I got a car seat just in case I have to drive the both of you back and forth places and I got a stroller and crib and other main essentials."

She felt herself becoming mush. He may appear intimidating but he was nothing but a gentle giant. "Main essentials?"

Kylo nodded with a small smile on his face. "I got the baby some diapers and formula and blankets. I even bought a breast pump just in case you forget yours and bottles and special cleaning soap too. I pretty much cleared out the baby aisles," he chuckled. "My place looks like a baby lives there."

She tried to suppress a smile. She knows he's trying to get her to warm up to him again. He really wants to meet his child and was showing her how willing he was to be involved. She doesn't want him to see her pleased because she's still deciding if she wants to let him in.

_The man who fathered your child is insistent. He always was._

* * *

_You see the person that you thought would never hurt you. Your best friend. The person you grew up with. You haven't spoken to her in a year. She's not a bad person but things aren't the same anymore. She betrayed your trust and you know there was nothing she could do to make up for it._

Rey quickened her pace in the hall, avoiding any form of contact from Rose. It's inevitable having to speak to her. They went to the same school and shared two classes but Rey was stubborn and refuses to speak to her. She forgives Rose for what she's done but there was no way that they could be friends again. Rose told the whole school about her pregnancy. Rey knows that the school would find out eventually but she wanted to tell the man who fathered her child first.

That didn't happen.

The entire school found out and that was how he discovered her pregnancy.

Rey knows that Rose didn't mean to do that. She knows Rose meant to only tell a few friends in confidence but Rey specifically begged Rose not to tell a soul. It felt like a slap to a face - that the one person she confided to stabbed her in the back. Rose is looking at her feebly. Rey pretends not to notice. She's grateful she didn't tell Rose who the father was. If she did, Kylo would be in jail.

The new school year had started and so far no one knows any specifics of her child. They don't know her child's name or gender or even how her child looks like. Rey plans to keep it that way. She wants privacy from being dissected and analyzed by her classmates. She was under the microscope for the entirety of her pregnancy and suffered from depression.

It led her to deleting all of her social media apps so she can have a safe place to breathe. This decision was actually the best and healthiest choice she's ever made for herself. She can figure things out without being watched and judged. She takes pictures of her baby constantly but she prefers keeping them to herself. Her child was hers and no one else's. She doesn't feel the need to put her child out there on social media.

_Especially when her child was the spitting image of a certain teacher._

* * *

She's not used to him begging. The father of her child was while kind, was dominating. He was charming and handsome and it made it hard to resist. It's so different now, having this much control. He wants to see their child to a point he's desperate. Rey wasn't a cruel person, she was afraid of the dangers of it all. She couldn't hide a pregnancy, how could she hide her sneaking her baby around?

Her mother has her on a stricter schedule now for obvious reasons.

Rey works on the weekend too. She barely has time to breathe let alone find an empty slot for Kylo to meet their child.

She laid on her bed with her baby, contemplating on what to do. She considers doing a video chat but she finds it too anticlimactic. Kylo deserves seeing his child in person except it was impossible. She exhaled as she gathered her baby to her other breast. Face timing will do for now until they figure an arrangement out. She pulls out her phone and begins texting.

**Rey: Are you free later tonight? Do you want to video chat and see the baby?**

**Kylo: Yes.**

**Kylo:** **When?**

**Kylo: I'm free for any time.**

Rey exhaled deeply. He responded so quickly. It would have been better if he was a deadbeat father, it would have made the situation easier for her. But the father of her child wasn't like that.

* * *

_He puts his hands around her waist and motions her to go to the closet in his classroom._

_She knows where to go, they've done this before._

_Countless of times._

* * *

Kylo waits. His phone was fully charged but he kept it on the charger. He doesn't want his phone to die during their video session. He knows he's messing with the battery life by doing that but he's not thinking clearly. Kylo wants to be well prepared. He makes sure his volume was up just in case he misses her call. He keeps flicking his screen as if it would speed up the process.

He's going to see his child - their child.

It feels like a long time, waiting for her to call him. He doesn't even eat. He can't eat. Kylo knows himself well. If he tried to he won't be able to stomach anything since he's so anxious. He just sits next to his phone that was connected to the outlet and stared blankly at the screen. Even though they weren't together anymore he still feels connected to her in one shape or form. He holds on to his phone as if it was an extension to himself to her.

The only thing he could do was wait.

* * *

_Once he starts, you can't stop him. And you don't mind because you don't want it to stop. You barely get to be with him and you savior every single second._ _He won't let you go until he's finished - and even then he takes his time pulling out._

_She whimpered into his shoulder begging him to be gentle._

_Don't make the pain of disconnecting last longer._ _Pull it like a band aid._ _End her misery._ _He peppers you sweet kisses, assuring you that everything was going to be alright but you kiss him with ferocity for you know that everything was uncertain._

_This time could be their last and Rey wants to make it all worth it._

* * *

_Sometimes, he taunts her. He barely cleans himself off after sex and she can still smell herself on him in class. She expected for half the class to recognize the scent of come but no one talks about it. Maybe it's because they aren't close to him the way Rey was. She's always around him and their bodies formed a bond. He chews on his lip ever so often as he lectured._

_She blushes every time because she knows what he's tasting._

_It makes her legs go weak. Muscle memory. He gives her a small smile meant for her and only her. Rey perks up in her seat. She focuses on taking notes as she eagerly awaits for after school for another round._

* * *

His phone rings - Kylo's quick to answer. Frantically he's swiping his phone. He forgets how big his fingers were - how hard it was for him to press on the screen. He cursed underneath his breath. He continues to fumble with it that he misses the call. Kylo panics for a brief second but immediately shakes himself out of the frenzy. He counts until his heart begins pacing normally before calling her.

Kylo starts counting again.

Until she picks up.

His screen blares white before connecting. He wonders in-between if his phone was working - but then he sees her face in dim light. He relaxes at the sight as the camera adjusts. And then he sees her. Her screen is sideways - she must have propped her phone against something for mobility. Kylo tilts his phone to match. Her hair is wet. She just showered and she was in a black tank top and faded pink soft pants. "Hi," he whispered, smiling cheek to cheek.

He can't remember the last time they did this.

Rey's face softened and she looks shy. "Hi."

Kylo smiles at wider. He misses her more than anything. He misses their secret video chat sessions in the middle of the night. Technology was a strange a thing, artificial and yet he felt like he was face to face with her. As if she was tangible.

"I'm sorry for not calling you earlier. I got held up by my mom. She was giving me another random lecture again. She feels that she was too lenient with me with the whole...incident. She's always try to punish me."

Kylo suppressed a frown. He never liked her mother. Her mother had always been strict but she had gotten worse ever since Rey had a baby. "It's okay I wasn't doing anything important." He cleared out his whole schedule but Rey doesn't need to know that. She doesn't want her to worry anymore than she has to. He wants to prove to her that they can do this - that it was possible. He scans the screen and searches for the baby.

"He's about to wake up," she smiled gently.

"He?" Kylo couldn't help but to grin. A boy.

Rey chuckled softly and nodded. "Yeah. He's in the crib. It won't be long until he wakes up," she assured.

They talked then, just them. He asked about her job and what it was like being a parent. "Work is whatever," Rey shrugged. "I work at a fast food restaurant. I don't really like it since it's messy but my mom wants me to help pay for the expenses."

Kylo clutched on to his phone. If only he was there with her. He knows her mother was trying to teach Rey responsibility but he feels she's too hard with Rey. She already had enough with being a mom and going to school. "Maybe you can quit. I can give you money so you don't have to work," he offered.

"So I can spend time with you?" she asked, giving him a look.

He nodded with a small wicked smile, unashamed. His morality was gone for some time now and he doesn't care about persuading her to lie to her mother. He loves her and if it wasn't for the dangers of her age, he would have taken her long ago. And be a man for her and their son. "I should be paying you child support after all." Kylo felt his stomach sank. He hates how shitty of a person he was for not being there for her. For any of it. He's tired of living like a coward because he's not. Kylo watches her bite her lip in thought.

"I don't know," she began with hesitation. "It's too risky. My mom's already on my back. She's on high alert. She doesn't trust me anymore and thinks I'm going to get myself into more trouble."

"Your mother never trusted you."

Rey laughed lightly. "And for good reason," she countered.

"It's your mother's fault, all of it," he smirked. He remained calm but always managed to include his dark humor in everything. "Her smothering nature led you into my arms."

"Do you honestly believe that?"

Kylo nodded again as his eyes darkened. "I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when it's a modern au so force skype is just skype lmao


End file.
